Lily's Point of View
by Lily48
Summary: hi, it's me Lily...part of the De/Kris/Jess team..you know, BreeGirls? anyway it's my take on the way i veiw my relationship with my friends and the Fellowship. Rated R for language as i have a potty mouth.
1. Lily's back!

~~A/N: De, Kris, Jess. I dedicate this little ditty to you three, for being my insporation and muses. Also, in order to understand this fic, you must read the BreeGirls collabs under the name BreeGirls. Well Duh, Lil.  
  
Disclaimer: Tolkien's, not mine. Hmmm, perhaps he'll sell me Boromir..he's worth at least $1.  
  
You know, sometimes I wonder how I get myself into certain situations. I mean, really. I finally get back from the 6 month study abroad program in Germany, get relaxed, settled, and then it happend.  
  
De, Kris and Jess came over.  
  
Not that that's a bad thing, cause I was so fucking excited to finally see them, I could hardly contain myself. And then the conversation started. What's wrong with a little conversation you ask?  
  
Trying to get those three to talk about anything else besides The Fellowship is like getting a dog to use a litter box.  
  
The minute that thought crossed my mind, I felt terrible, as I used to be the same way, before this damn trip. I think that was also part of the reason I took the trip in the first place. I mean, here I went, and found that with that damn Steward.  
  
The tall, strong, handsome, stubborn, stupid Steward.  
  
See, the problem was, every time I got attached (which is the Cardinal Sin in Lily's book) to him, that mean old, annoying Gandalf sent us back here.  
  
I know I'm not the only one who's noticed that every time Gandalf got sick of the four of us was when we were macking it with the men folk. Want to know what I think? I think he's just really sexually frustraited.  
  
Anyway, I got sick and tired of getting my heart stomped on by some sexually frustraited wizard who obviously had no sense of humor, so I took my happy ass to Germany for six months. At least there, I wouldn't even be able to get transported to Middle Earth. So, quite honestly, I got used to my lack of associations with those bunch of silly men.  
  
Very silly men.  
  
But then, after a while, I did miss everything that I had been through. I missed the gleam of De's eyes after licking the Dunedain. I missed Kristen's lopsided grin after marathon Hobbit sex. I missed the quiet demenor in which Jess handled things. I missed Hobbit hugs from Frodo and Sam. I missed the way Legolas rolled his eyes every time I tried to fight someone (mainly Boromir). I missed Gimli's conversations, and his love for Arwench. And believe it or not, I missed Boromir's smartass comments and his (A/N: this is De's line) fantastic displays of stupidity. I had to get back home, weather I was wanted there or not.  
  
So, I packed my bags once again, said Auf Weidersehen to Deutchland, and broght my happy ass back home.  
  
And now here I am, listening to how De licked the Dunedain for the 1,248,345,765 time. Lucky me.  
  
A/N: yeah, that sucked ass. Oh well, maybe next chapter will be better. Who knows? 


	2. Bunnies in Middle Earth

~~A/N: okay, so this chapter's gonna include a few old skool references, because I'm in a mood. LOL, deal with it!  
  
Well, it worked. I was also going on non stop about the Fellowship, and being overly silly, as usual. We took a quick break to order pizza, and I went and found some music. As I was deciding n a CD, De was still going on and on about Aragorn.  
  
"You know, I'd love to hear him say, just once, 'My horse! My horse! My kingdom for a horse!'. I'd quite possibly die", I said quickly dodging a CD that came flying at my head from the direction of De.  
  
I finally settled on a CD. Yes, I was torturing everyone with the Pure Disco 2 CD.  
  
What the hell is wrong with Disco???  
  
So the conversations on Middle Earth took a small break while the four of us commenced with silly disco dancing.  
  
"This song kinda reminds me of that Karma Sutra marathon me and Pip had", Kris was saying about the song "Rock the Boat"  
  
"Oh ew. Thanks Kris.", Jess said, laughing.  
  
Really. Ew said it. Come to think of it, I don't know if I even KNEW about the Hobbit Karma Sutra. I knew her and Pip had a little, um, experience, but I didn't know it was because of that. I guess I was too preoccupied. Hehe.  
  
So, as we were doin' a little dance', talking about makin' a little love, and getting down, the phone rang. Groaning, I paused the music to answer it.  
  
"what?", I asked (yes, that's how I answer the phone. You should hear some of my other greatings)  
  
"Oh, my! Lady Lily?", came the small voice at the other end of the phone.  
  
"yes, this is Lady Lily.", I said slowly.  
  
Wait a minute. Lady Lily.I only know a few certain people that call me that.  
  
"Oh it's so good to hear from you!! It's me!! Merry!!"  
  
Blink. Blink.  
  
"Merry!!! Wow.how did you get this number? Better yet, how did you get a phone?", I asked excited and confused.  
  
"Gandalf"  
  
I should have known. Old Man I-Get-No-Sex probably knew I was back.  
  
"Who's that on the phone, Lil?", asked Kris, trotting into the room.  
  
"oh, it's Merry", I said, casually.  
  
"oh, ok. Cool", she said turning around. Then she turned back around.  
  
"MERRY!!???!??!", she screamed. With this, De and Jess came running back into the room. Yes, as you can imaging, mass khaos broke loose.  
  
"where's Aragorn?  
  
"what about Pippin?"  
  
"Legolas??"  
  
Poor Merry was scared, I think.  
  
"SHUT THE FUCK UP EVERYONE!!!", I yelled. With that, I turned my attention back to the phone.  
  
"So, Merry. What's the reason for your phone call?", I asked, trying to find out what was going on. Usually any time these guys call us, someone's in trouble.  
  
"Well, Lady Lily, Gandalf says he needs your help, all of you. He says that now that all four of you are back together as one, you're more of a use to him", Merry said, excitedly.  
  
Rolling of eyes.  
  
"So, what does he need help with?", I asked. Hobbits have a nice way of never getting to the point of anything.  
  
"Well, see. Sauron has enchanted Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, and Pippin.", he said.  
  
Oh hell no. Mr. Pink Bunny Slippers does NOT, and I mean DOES NOT, fuck with my Steward.  
  
"Merry, do you mind if I put you on speaker phone? So De and Kris and Jess can hear this?", I asked.  
  
"Oh, of course not!!", Merry said.  
  
I clicked on the speaker phone.  
  
"What's going on, Merry?", Jess asked shooting me a 'what the fuck' look.  
  
"Hello, Lady Jess. Um, well, the situation is..Sauron managed to enchant Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas and Pippin. It's just terrible, they no not what they do!", Merry said, starting to get scared.  
  
"How did he enchant them, Merry", De asked, her eyes narrowing.  
  
"Lady De, it's just aweful!! He magically brought 4 girls from earth.I think you call them.Playboy Bunnies.and now the four men plan to MARRY them!!", Merry said, his voice shaking.  
  
Sauron sure does like the Bunny Rabbit..it's kinda sick.  
  
I looked at my friends. We all nodded in agreement.  
  
"Okay Merry. How do we get to Middle Earth?", Kristen asked.  
  
Merry went on to tell us some kind of magical words to say, and quickly hung up the phone.  
  
Kris, De, Jess and I put our hands together in the middle, and De looked at everyone, a sly smile on her face.  
  
"Let's go hunt some slut!"  
  
~~A/N: more later!!! 


	3. Can i have a go?

~~A/N: so.yeah, they shut down our resturaunt today, which sucks big time. It was kinda like a family there. So it's a depressing day in the world of Lily. Thank god I have all of you to amuse with my piece of shit story. Hehe. Enjoy.  
  
"Let's go hunt some slut"  
  
Then we muttered the gibberish that Merry told us to say before a bright flash of light took us from my apartment to Rivendell.  
  
Why did we always have to end up in Rivendell? I think Elrond's a little too keen on De ever since her little fiasco with him and Sir of a Thousand Names (A/N: Kris's line!).  
  
I stood there, taking back in the awe and beauty of a place I missed so much. It was enough to make me cry.  
  
And then Gandalf decided to speak.  
  
"Welcome back, girls. It's wonderful to see you again"  
  
Kris rubbed her neck, her eyes darting back and forth, obviously looking for her Hobbit Toy.  
  
"Good to see you too, Gandy.", she said.  
  
Then he focused in on me. I don't think he liked me too much.  
  
"Lady Lily. It's about time you showed back up.", he said, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Hey man, I just took a leave of absence. You didn't think I was gone permantly, did you?", I asked, crossing my arms.  
  
"Lady, with you, anything is possible", Gandalf replied, turning back to the others.  
  
De, still a little miffed about the Playboy girls, walked up to Gandalf, and crossed her arms.  
  
"Where the FUCK is Aragorn???"  
  
"Lady De, perhaps you'd like to come with me to..", Elrond started to say, a hopeful gleam in his eyes.  
  
"Knock it off Mr. Pissy", she snapped back at him.  
  
Elrond looked hurt. Honestly hurt.  
  
"Yes Ma'am.", came his wounded response.  
  
All of a sudden, I was being mobbed by three very happy hobbits.  
  
"Lady Lily!! It's wonderful to see you!!", exclaimed Frodo, while Sam started to sniffle. Merry just smiled and patted my back.  
  
I looked back with pleading eyes to my friends.  
  
Jess just laughed and pulled the hobbits off of me, getting hobbit hugs of her own.  
  
Kris got serious just then and sat down in front of Elrond.  
  
"Okay. So tell us EXACTLY what is going on.", she said resting her elbows on her knees. De, Jess and I quickly followed suit, sitting around Elrond.  
  
"Girls, it's gotten out of hand. Sauron, as you know, has this unexplainable sense of humor. It seems that he got a hold of a magazine you modern Earth people call 'Playboy' and got the bright idea to conjure up 4 of these 'Playboy' models to please himself with.", Elrond explained.  
  
Sauron WAS a sick motherfucker.  
  
"It gets worse. Lady Kris, I'm sure you're still aware that Sauron still desires you and you haven't had reason to come back to Middle Earth for some time. He devised a way to plant these women to where Pippin would find them, therefore luring Pippin to him, and thus luring you back to Middle Earth to save him, which would bring you to Mordor", Elrond further explained, sitting back in his chair.  
  
I was confused.  
  
"So how did Aragorn, Boromir and Legolas become involved then?", I asked.  
  
"The more Sauron though about it, the more he thought he could get a 'gangbang' going with the 4 of you", Gandalf said.  
  
Oh gross. NOT what I wanted to hear at all. I exchanged nauseating glances to my friends.  
  
"So, pretty much, we're here to whoop some damn 'Playboy Bunny' ass?", De asked, sitting up.  
  
"Yes. Once these women are out of Middle Earth for good, is when your men will be back to normal.", Elrond said.  
  
"Can't I at least have a go with one of them?", Gandalf mumbled.  
  
I couldn't help but burst out laughing. Then I got the evil eye from several directions.  
  
"Oh, come on, it's funny", I protested.  
  
"Oh just shut up", Gandalf sputtered before walking inside.  
  
Gandalf gets no love.  
  
"Girls, your mission is set. Tomorrow morning, your quest begins. Sleep well, and remember, these women are nasty and vile creatures", Elrond said, standing up.  
  
I couldn't have said it better myself. 


	4. I love to Ride

~~A/N: Thanks to De for help with this chapter. Also, featuring Faramir and Eomer. Some of you might not like the way these two characters are portrayed, but hell, I'm in a sexual and silly mood, and it's my story goddamnit, so deal with it. THAKEE!  
  
De, Kris, Jess and I sat around our chamber, feeling down and out. What happened to the sanity of our men? We gave them unconditional love, unlimited sex and our hearts. What did these bimbos have that we didn't?  
  
Oh yeah. Silicone. Gets the men every time.  
  
Anyway, the more I moped, the angrier I got. I figured that I needed to do something, but hell, I wasn't in the mood. Besides, there'll be payback. How, I wasn't quite sure yet. But hey, payback's a bitch.  
  
With that thought, I pulled myself to my bed and fell asleep.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Morning came all too soon. And it came brightly too.  
  
"Tell the sun to go away", I mumbled, burying my head under my pillow.  
  
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Well, actually, the knocking had been going on for about 3 minutes now, but I chose to ignore it. Sighing, I realized that no one else was going to see who the impatient person at the door was, so I pulled myself out of bed, padded to the door, and opened it. I'm sure I scared the person at the door, with my hair falling all over the place and my eyes halfway open. Then I realized who was at the door.  
  
"Oh! Hi, Elrond. What can I help you with?", I asked trying to straighten myself up a little bit. Pissy or not, Elrond was still one good looking Elf Boy.  
  
"We have visitors arriving today to discuss this crisis, and I would appreciate the presence of you girls there. Be ready within the hour.", Elrond said smiling.  
  
Yeah, he digged me.  
  
I walked back into the room yelling for my friends to get up. After 5 minutes of moaning and bitching, everyone was finally awake. When we went to get our clothes, they were gone, and Elvish clothing was replacing them. De's was a light yellow with silver stitching that matched her dark hair, Kris's was a light blue color with gold stitching that matched her red hair, Jess's was a light green with silver stitching. Mine seemed to be the prettiest. It was white irridesent color with silver stitching and a train. God, these people. They must honestly believe I'm Elvish!! Ahh, well, whatever.  
  
Either way, all of us looked stunning. And we knew it!!  
  
After we dressed and fixed our hair, we walked to the dining hall. Elrond, Gandalf, Gimli, and the hobbits awaited us with two strange men.  
  
Correction. One very, very, very hot man, and one scruffy man. Dude, he was scruffier than Aragorn!! I didn't think they GOT any scruffier than Aragorn!!  
  
I couldn't keep my eyes off this one guy. He was tall, thin, had reddish brown hair that fell to his shoulders and green eyes. His facial hair was trimmed close and he had the cutest smile. He looked to be only about 30, if that old, and he was dressed in green.  
  
"Dude, De, who's the fine piece of meat over there?" I asked, hitting her arm.  
  
"Um, Lily, that's your bitch's brother. Do you need glasses?", came De's humorous response.  
  
Well, what do you know?? Surprise, Surprise, Surprise.  
  
I instantly felt bad for my impure thoughts about Boromir's brother. But then I remembered why Faramir was here to begin with. Cause his stupid older brother was fucking a whore.  
  
Then I didn't feel so bad about lusting after Faramir. I mean, my GOD!!! This boy was fine!  
  
I looked over to see De licking her lips while checking out Scruff Ball. She liked the rugged ones, didn't she?  
  
"hey, De.let's go talk to them", I said, pulling her arm a little.  
  
"Um...kay", was her squeak of a response. Men.  
  
So we walk over to where the two new men were, ignoring the looks Gandalf and Elrond were sending our way. I walked right up to Faramir and extended my hand.  
  
"Hello m'lord", I said, batting my eyes.  
  
He smiled and took my hand, shaking it.  
  
Yes, shaking it  
  
"Hello M'lady. How are you this wonderful day?", he asked, a dopey grin spreading across his face.  
  
I stood there, taking in his fineness, unable to hardly control myself. If I had to use cheesy pick up lines, then so be it.  
  
"I see you ride horses", I said to him.  
  
"Yep! I do!", he said, smiling again.  
  
"I absolutely LOVE to ride, if you get my meaning", I said, rubbing his arm.  
  
He turned to me, and his eyes got huge. BINGO!!  
  
"Really, m'lady?? Perhaps we can go for a horseback ride during our stay here in Rivendell", he said, nodding.  
  
Oh for the love of the Valar. This guy has no clue. Obviously, it was going to be harder than I thought.  
  
~*~*~*~A/N: will Lily succeed? Find out in Chapter 5!! 


End file.
